Full disclosure: I’m down with pumpkin spice. Lattes, candles, cookies, soap, cake, more cake. I love the smell, I usually enjoy the taste, and I am most definitely not judging you if you do too. When it comes to Pumpkin Spice Oreos and Pumpkin Spice Cheerios, I’m ready to start sampling.
That being said, pumpkin spice has definitely reached a new level of weird, considering the range of crazy pumpkin spice products out there these days.
As of right now, a search for “pumpkin spice” yields over 20 pages on Amazon and 151 pages on Etsy alone. Oh my gourd!
Here are just a handful that I definitely did not expect to see.
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Top image: Pumpkin spice sign by CreateCraftLoveShop on Etsy
In a world with Sexy Freddy Krueger costumes, I suppose one spotted at Target this was inevitable. I just didn’t expect the final result to look like a bad guy from Austin Powers. Costume includes wig, dress, boot tops, and the last of your dignity.
It’s never been so easy to get drunk out of your gourd. (Ha.) Just mix this pumpkin spice powder with rum, top with your own whipped cream, and you’ve got yourself a party. Provided your party does not leave after the first sip in search of something more drinkable, which could totally happen.
Yep, you can now reportedly achieve the health benefits of 9 servings of fruits and vegetables in one drink that tastes like powdered pumpkin adorned with cloves and cinnamon. Just mix with any liquid and join the future of food. Honestly? I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s pretty good blended with soy milk and ice, but I can’t vouch for it.
Death by Pumpkin Spice book by Alex Erickson
Any book that starts with a murder in a room full of jack-o-lanterns and spilled pumpkin spice lattes has got to be fun. If nothing else, it’s a hilarious gift for a friend who looooves pumpkin spice — or hates it to death. Bwahahahaha.
Pumpkin Spice Latte Hair Clips by CCs Bows and Beads on Etsy
Here’s one for the littles. I’m kind of amazed by the detail and craftsmanship of these teeny tiny hair clips, although I have to wonder how many little girls are dying to sport a take-out coffee cup in their hair instead of…oh, a rainbow or a unicorn.
Pumpkin Spice Dog Shampoo by Espree
We just…can’t. Who came up with this? Is there really a need for dogs to smell like pumpkin spice? Have they been requesting it in 2016 canine focus groups? Humor aside, Espree products are all-natural and contain aloe vera and pumpkin enzymes, so maybe it’s not all that wacky. Even if it kind of is.
Hear that? That’s the sound of 9 million New Yorkers groaning. Our own Brooklynite Liz is having conniptions over these, considering she finds even blueberries and spinach to be bagel blasphemy. No doubt anyone within the five boroughs who buys these will immediately have their residency revoked, though I would definitely try them. (But we still love your original English Muffins, Thomas’, so there’s that.)
Pumpkin Spice Mineral Eyeshadows by Tater Rounds Beauty
I adore mineral eyeshadows on Etsy but definitely did not expect to stumble across these there. I actually like the looks of this trio which includes Spiced Pumpkin, Pumpkin Pie, and English Ivy, probably because it doesn’t smell or taste like pumpkin spice.
If you do like pumpkin spice, this heavy hold hair pomade probably smells good enough to eat. But, don’t. I have heard that the scent of pumpkin is an aphrodisiac, so why not?
And in case you’re wondering why we don’t have pumpkin spice condoms on the list, that was unfortunately a hoax.