I think I speak for everyone when I say that there should be a serum to fix what 2020 has done to us. And our faces. Yes, I know that scientists are a little busy developing COVID vaccines at the moment, but as soon as they’re done with that, I’m hoping they devote themselves to formulating a skin care line especially for the homeschooling, telecommuting, feelings-eating, smiling-through-gritted-teeth-over-Zoom parent.
But enough about me!
Here’s what we’d like to see in a skincare and makeup line for 2021. Because while some things are getting better, parents are still just muddling through it in a whole lot of ways.
May we all recover the elasticity we once had.
Mystery Lip Color
If you’re looking for a lip color that transitions beautifully from couch to bedroom to kitchen and back again, check out this new collection of distinctive hues like FFS Fuchsia and Mute Yourself Mauve. Whichever shade you choose, these colors look gorgeous smudged on the inside of a mask or on a Zoom call for the first 30 seconds — until your screen freezes and everyone is told to please turn off their video.
No matter how much you weep behind your mask as you find the supermarket is still out of toilet paper leaving you to use the emergency brown scratchy ones you have stashed in your garage, this fabulous new mascara is everything you need. Picking up where regular waterproof mascaras leave off, it also keeps your lashes curled, defined and conditioned while your worldview slowly collapses into a black hole. It’s effective for all types of tears — from sniffles to ugly-crying to simple closet weeping when your child asks you for help conjugating Spanish verbs for an assignment evidently due six days ago.
Blue Light Blocking Sunscreen
Designed for the digital user who hasn’t left home for months, this hardworking sunscreen protects delicate skin from blue light emanating from the one thing on your iPhone tethering you to reality: a TikTok video of a French bulldog riding a skateboard and listening to the Weeknd.
“Better Than Botox” Soothing Serum
A touch of collagen in this wonderfully luxurious serum plumps forehead wrinkles sustained while furiously typing a response to your great aunt about the article from truetruefactz.com she sent “proving” that masks are less effective in blocking viruses than drinking a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar and lemon juice each day. (“What? There’s an infographic!”)
Studies show consistent use of this serum may reduce cringe lines by up to 30%. Or 10%. Or not at all. But whatever, it’s not like anyone outside your immediate family will see them either way.
The Big Binge Eye Cream
Retinol and hyaluronic acid will wake up tired, sad eyes after twelve straight hours of Schitt’s Creek (with only a brief break for the TikTok video of a French bulldog riding a skateboard and listening to The Weeknd). Peptides ease inflammation caused by cry-screaming into your pillow at night after an 11PM Friday night news drop.
7 out of 10 users claim to see an improvement in that pre-isolation “slept a normal amount and drank my coffee in a crowded cafe without worrying for my life” glow. The other 3 users were not available for comment, reporting “call me later, I just have 6 episodes left in the season.”
Tranquil Hands Sanitizer (with Aromatherapy)
Part hand sanitizer, part tranquilizer (approved for OTC sales in parts of South America), this gel’s tropical scent will remind you of all the family vacations you’ve cancelled to avoid riding on an airplane with other humans who also breathe air. Aloe helps keep hands from turning into chapped and bleeding talons, and is effective for both adults and children, for up to 78 uses a day, every day, for the rest of your life.
What, you think you’ll go back to the way things were in the Before Times. Oh, no sweetie. No no no.
Sleepless Night Cream
This luxurious, hydrating lotion is best applied in the evenings, right after doom-scrolling Twitter in bed. Includes a safe, mild sedative to keep you from waking at 3 AM thinking about zombies infiltrating our country during a pandemic. Or zombies infiltrating our government during a pandemic.
Wait, was that a movie? A show? Was that the news? Hard to even say what’s real these days. Just get the cream, whatever.
Note : Be sure to specify “2-day delivery” on all purchases to be sure you receive your order in the next 7 weeks or so.
– Caroline, with Liz