Each year I have the best time scouring the web for the funniest Valentine’s Cards. I was just never a fan of those long, poetic prefab cards written in wedding script. I guess if I have something sentimental to say I’ll say it myself. As for my cards? Give me the funny, please. So whether you like the self-deprecating Valentine’s Cards that make fun of your standing Friday night date with Netflix, or the slightly racy cards that imply…well, that there might be a little more to your evening than passing out at 8:45 surrounded by a box of half-eaten truffles with bite marks through all of them, I hope these funny Valentine’s Cards are perfect for those of you lucky enough to have a sweetheart in your life who makes you laugh every day.
Oh, and no weird poop emoji or “thanks for loving me for my farts” type cards. But wow, there are a lot of them out there. Sorry, but thinking about your least attractive bodily functions may make us laugh, but it definitely does not put us in the mood.
Before Coffee card | Sea and Lake
‘Til decaf do us part.
Bae definition Valentine’s card | Row House 14
Okay, so it’s nice when you finally make it to the trigger-vomit-in-other-people stage of romance.
Funny Taylor Swift Valentine’s Card | Teeny Weenie Paper
Two weeks. That’s like 100 in pop star years.
Pause my game card | Classy Cards Creative
You know what I’m talking about, oh Candy Crush/Shooty Skies/Madden Football fans
Hey Girl Jabba the Hutt Valentine’s card | Meet me in Shermer
He’s no Ryan Reynolds, but you know. Neither are any of us.
Single on Valentine’s Day | Emily McDowell
Straight from the Silver Linings Playbook.
99 problems Jay Z Valentine’s Card | Nocturnal Paper
This cleaned-up lyric might go over a little better with most ladies on Valentine’s Day. Just a guess.
Shave my legs card | Knotty Cards
Or you know…other body parts. What? It’s winter?
Significant otter card | Turtles Soup
Eh, we can never resist a good pun.
Worth the hangover | Nocturnal Paper
Everyone has a different first date story. No judgments.
Betty White Rose card | Seas and Peas
It just sounds so much better than, “Will you accept this Blanche?”
Bloody zombie head Valentine’s card | The Detroit Card Co
Easily the most beautiful of all the Zombie Apocalypse Valentine’s Cards we’ve seen. Sniff. Now that’s love.
They Said It Wouldn’t Last funny Valentine’s card | Emily McDowell
The card you kind of want to make photocopies of and secretly slip under your inlaws’ front door.
Half price candy card | Wit & Wander
Is there a more perfect card for a single BFF?
Milton’s Red Stapler Office Space Card | Debbie Draws Funny
We might suggest getting the image of him out of your head that night.
Hipster beard card | The Painted Kitchen
We love that all the cards at this shop come with related recipes. In this case: Craft Beer Bacon Mac & Cheese, and an Old Fashion. Perfect hipster Valentine’s dinner planning, done.
Loading the dishwasher card | Knotty Cards
Would it be wrong to give this to our kids? Like, every day of the week?
Low Battery Card | Classy Cards Creative
Your true love will always carry a spare charging cord.
Their They’re There card | Bettie Confetti
Now this is the card after my own heart! Even if there’s no period after the sentence. I’ll chalk it up to artistic license. Now can we do one for your/you’re/ur?
can’t feel my face card | Nocturnal Paper
Everybody’s working for the Weeknd.
On Fleek Valentine’s Card | Emily McDowell
It’s okay, we all had to look it up at some point.
Not calling card | Sad Shop
Perfect for first-year Valentines…or maybe parents.
You had me at Meat Tornado Ron Swanson card | Meet Me in Shermer
It just wouldn’t be a Cool Mom Picks funniest Valentine’s Day card roundup without old Ron.
Let’s be totally awkward together | Rowhouse 14
Those of you considering Battlestar Galactica themed weddings or having your anniversary at the Renaissance Faire? This one’s for you!
Funny Valentine’s Day Goonies card | Seas and Peas
Gee mister, you’re even hungrier for love than I am.
Darth Vader Can’t Breathe Valentine’s Card | avEHdesigns
It must be love; send roses and a rescue inhaler.
I’ve fallen for you | Diamond Donatello
How, we love this. Now we just need a Clapper card.
Valentine’s Donuts Card | Knotty Cards
If you liked it then you shoulda put a glazed chocolate cruller on it.
Let’s be boring together funny Valentine’s card | Sea and Lake
We blame Netflix.
Funny Steve Harvey Valentine’s Card | Teeny Weenie Paper
The Lonely Island D*ck in a Box Valentine’s card | Seas and Peas
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl ya gotta know you’re my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin’ real