Sure, those prenatal classes and baby books may prepare you for labor, breastfeeding (kind of), and baby milestones. But there are so many truly insane moments as a new parent that create a stark difference between your new life (i.e. slave to an infant) and your old one (i.e. slave to the sales days at your favorite store) and we had the best time remembering some of our favorites.
This post is graciously brought to you by one of our favorite infant brands, FridaBaby, because they not only have a great sense of humor, but they know a little something about new parent hell. Which is why they make products we’ve recommended for years, including their brilliant new Nailfrida the SnipperClipper nail care set, complete with nail clippers designed with a secret safety spy hole.
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Because yep, this is your life. And you now need a baby nail clipper with something called a “spy hole.”
1. The time you “sterilize” the pacifier with your mouth.
2. The time you decide you are absolutely willing to go to prison for what you will do to the delivery person who dares ring your doorbell at naptime.
Sleeping baby door hanger: Olive & Clyde on Etsy
3. The time you wipe your kid’s snotty nose with your bare hands, because it’s that or your sleeve.
4. The time you realize that you are actually cutting another human being’s toenails while they sleep.
5. The time the only thing you have to offer guests is an open bottle of wine, and cookies in the shape of Muppet faces.
6. The time you poll your Facebook friends for clever responses to, “oh, that’s a cute name for a baby! I know a dog with that name!”
7. The time you find yourself up to your elbow in toilet water to retrieve a cell phone. Or a bath toy. Or your favorite ring. If it’s not already too late.
Via jessicafm, creative commons
8. The time you find yourself peeing while holding the baby because, whatever.
9. The time you spend 7 months finding the perfect Halloween costume that your baby will wear for a total of 13 seconds.
10. The time you ask whether the neighborhood bar has high chairs.
11. The time you realize the totally annoying person sharing the 16 zillion baby photos and status updates documenting every minute of every damn day…is you.
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EXTRA COOL: WIN IT! We’re giving away a seriously great Bitty Bundle of Joy Gift Set full of essentials (like the cult favorite NoseFrida Snotsucker) that will make any new parent’s day. Or year. PLUS five runners-up will get their own pair of FridaBaby nail clippers.
To enter, just leave a comment on this post telling us a new parent moment or observation that made you laugh. That’s it!
Enter by Monday 9/19/16 at midnight PT. One entry per person please, 18+, US only, void where prohibited. We’ll draw 6 winners at random. Good luck!
Top photo: kindergentler2001 via Compfight cc
42 responses to “11 times new parents have thought WTF, how is this my life?”
This gave me a good laugh! I seriously have thought about decking the mail man. Especially since I have a dog that makes the whole thing that much worse!
At the time, I was definitely not laughing, but now I can look back and chuckle – That time my toddler painted the entire living room with his hands and the contents of his diaper. Memories…
When you start making up songs to go with the rhythm and sounds of your breast pump. (“Weeka! Weeka! Weeka!”)
I realized 45 minutes after I put my daughter to bed that I was sitting alone watching Sprout.
When you realise you narrate your day in song, because you singing is the only way the baby stops crying!
My favorite moment is the look on mu husband’s face when our newborn shot liquid poo all over him, the changing station and our carpet. He had previously scoffed at me over having the same thing happen to me and said “It couldn’t be that bad.”
My 3 year old stuffed our 3 month olds mouth full of carrots… One second with both eyes somewhere else can be disastrous ! He thought the baby might be hungry . *no babies were hurt*
Still finding dried breast milk on living room furniture years after daddy threw the bottle at the wall in frustration. Baby only wanted mama!!
The moment you pick up your baby b/c you’re sure his noises say “I need you”, but they really mean I need to spit up the milk I just drank…on you.
That pee pee tee pees don’t work. They shoot into the air with force like a geyser.
The time that my son had a poopy diaper so I put him on the changing table and removed it. Apparently he wasn’t done and he the shot a geyser of liquid poop in the air and managed to hit everything in a 3 foot radius.
On our first family dinner out after our daughter was born, I took our middle child to the restroom. On our way back to the table he was skipping in front of me. I told him to wait up and he decided to break into a sprint and yell, “GET AWAY FROM ME, WEIRD LADY!” I was mortified! He thought it was hilarious.
The time I was doing laundry and my child climbed in the dryer and sat. Why?! Crazy kid!
That you will eat your baby’s food if it makes them take more bites. Oh and will eat food off your baby’s body and even the floor if you have no other place to put it at the time!
Honest to goodness – One child picking another child’s nose and eating it.
Once when my son was a little guy he crawled over to me and farted on my arm. He laughed so hard. I just thought he wanted a hug. Such a silly little guy.
when we couldnt find the play phone and finally found it in the back tank of the toilet.how is he that strong to get it inthere
MY TWO KIDS ARE IN THE BATH AND THE OLDER ONE JUMPS UP AND YELLS “POO IN THE BATHTUB” AS I AM TELLING HER NOT TO DRINK THE WATER IN THE BATHTUB BECAUSE HER BABY SISTER MIGHT POO IN THERE. TRUE STORY.
Sorry for the caps lock. Did not realize that it wasn’t your site but my keyboard…whoops.
The time when I frantically searched my closet to find a shirt to wear to work that did not have a baby food stain on it.
Discovering that our son could and would climb out of the crib when we were sleeping, roll (he did not crawl) down the hall, find the pencil, pen, crayon-whatever we did not pick up and put away because he was sleeping in crib, troll back to his room, somehow pull himself up, over and back in crib, scribble on wall and hide instrument of scribbling between crib mattress and side slat of crib. And the little bugger must have hidden instruments of scribbling other places because once we were on to him we made sure everything was picked and locked up and new “pictures” would still be found. And I am entering this on behalf on my first grandchild, son of the little artist who grew up to be…you guessed it an award winning designer!
Those times you can’t get a children’s song out of your head, until it’s replaced with another children’s song.
The new parent moment for me was when I kept having to sign papers on behalf of my son and people kept calling me “mom”. That took some time to get used to lol.
Ok I was definitely a new parent and I didn’t bring any tissue with me for an outing with the baby. I used a clean, feminine pad to wipe my babies nose. I never forgot tissue again. I remember looking around to make sure no one saw me! Great Prizes! Thanks so much for the opportunity!
When I spent hours singing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer in the x-ray waiting room because it was the only song that would calm my sick infant. It was July!
When you know all the songs to your kids tv shows and your not ashamed to sing them. I actually like the songs from Bubble Guppies. How sad. 😉
When the kids aren’t home and you realize Nick Jr is still on, and has been for hours
Fun article. Need more like this.
it’s officially not embarrassing to be using baby talk in front of your friends
Cleaning vomit off the bedroom floor one-handed for the third time in one night while using the carrot chunks as handy visual indicators of where not to step. The other hand is cradling the vomit covered toddler, obviously.
Last night my 5 year old daughter told me that her 3 favorite foods are cheese, butter, and stevia. That’s my girl!
The first taste of whip cream was a smile.
When you go to bed early because you are scared to walk past your baby’s room and wake her.
When I was being sarcastic with my son and told him to have a nice life, he yelled back “you too”.
Going to the kitchen in the middle of the night for the drink of cold, cold juice … can’t get a glass, must drink out of the pitcher. Too tired, too thirsty. Only to find out someone switched out formula for juice. How do babies drink THAT?!
My parenting moment is when I found myself acting like the “kissy monster” and kissing her with this weird voice. Who knows where I got that one?!
I am a soon-to-be new parent ready to experience moments that will make me laugh! Very excited for what is ahead!
The time my 3 year old decided paper was not good enough for his artistic talent so he decided to use the marker all over his one year old brotherl.
I had no idea how many hours of kids tv shows I would end up watching as an adult.
Mindlessly watching childrens tv shows, even when the child is not there, because you are so used to do that!
Having my life controlled by a newborn. I sleep when he sleeps, as soon as I try to clean when he’s sleeping. He somehow knows about it and demands for me to soothe him.
the time that I found myself singing to the kids elmo cd AFTER I already dropped her off at daycare